Evening,
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up smack-dab against the door, right across from the dumpster. Coagulating blood had pooled under and around his midsection, and I peered down at him, the sun slanting into the alley at an angle that didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked. I’d have to wait until noon for that, when the sun was directly overhead and shining down into the gap between our shop and the dry cleaners’ store next door, but I doubted the body would still be here by then.
Okay, we’re going to use the camera again. But this time we’re going to employ it in the middle of the sentence as well
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up smack-dab against the door, right across from the dumpster.- corpse
Coagulating blood had pooled under and around his midsection – blood around corpse
and I peered down at him, – POV character, (woman, since I don’t know the gender and I have to pick one)
the sun slanting into the alley at an angle that didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked. – sun
I’d have to wait until noon for that, when the sun was directly overhead and shining down into the gap between our shop and the dry cleaners’ store next door, but I doubted the body would still be here by then. – sun, tomorrow, dry cleaner
If I were the camera man, here is what this movie would look like: we see a corpse slumped against the door, a close up of the blood, a 180 swing to the narrator, then the camera tilts straight up, staring at the sun while we fast forward to tomorrow, a shot of the corpse in noon sunshine, then rewind to the present day.
Do you see the issue? Right now the director is yelling,” What are you shooting? Focus on the body! The body!”
We’ve lost the focal point of the scene, which is the corpse. The corpse raises questions in the mind of the reader: why is he here, why was he killed? The sun just takes us on a tangent to readers losing interest and we don’t want to go there. Really, the sun isn’t at all important except for the fact that the corpse is in the shade and isn’t well illuminated. We have to keep the reader concentrating on the issue at hand - there is a dead dude in the alley.
I’m going to take Steven King’s advice and murder this darling.
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up smack-dab against the door, right across from the dumpster. Coagulating blood had pooled under and around his midsection, and I peered down at him, the sun slanting into the alley at an angle that didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked. I doubted the body would still be here by then.
Let’s go through this sentence by sentence.
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up smack-dab against the door, right across from the dumpster.
Good, evocative, in your face image. Very nicely done. But too many descriptors – we usually only need one. Crumpled up is enough here. It’s a strong descriptor that packs good impact.
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up against the door, right across from the dumpster.
Next,
Coagulating blood had pooled under and around his midsection, and I peered down at him, the sun slanting into the alley at an angle that didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked.
There are three thoughts in this sentence: Coagulating blood, Narrator peering down, and the Sun. That might be too many. (Also, if the blood is under the body, how can she see it?)
Let’s break this up a bit. Also it sounds like the angle illuminated, not the sun, so I’d replace that with and.
Coagulating blood had pooled around his midsection. I peered down at him. The sun slanted into the alley at an angle and didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked.
Let’s put ourselves in the place of the narrator. We see a corpse covered in blood. hat’s a strong image. It supposed to evoke a reaction. We might feel shock, fear, alarm, boredom, annoyance, happiness, any number of emotions depending on who we are and what the corpse is.
A shop clerk who steps out to empty the garbage and sees a well-dressed man in a business suit laying in a pool of his blood might panic. If we replace the body with a corpse of a homeless bum the clerk used to shoo off his doorstep, the reaction would be different. And if the corpse is that of a known thug who used to shake up the shop for protection money, the clerk might go inside and open a bottle of wine to celebrate.
Remember when I prattled on about the character being an emotional compass for the readers? The readers evaluate the narrative through the reaction of the characters. Here the reader is presented with an image bound to provoke a strong reaction – a corpse. It creates tension within the reader. But the narrator doesn’t react at all, which leaves us adrift. We don’t know how to react either, and the tension is never released.
This kind of tension tends to create distance between the character and the readers. Have you read reviews where the critic says, “I just couldn’t connect to the character?” This is it right there. Maybe there is a reaction in the next paragraph. But even if there is, it would be too late.
The stronger is the stimulus, the faster the reaction needs to appear.
Fortunately, it’s easily fixed. We just need to give the reader some sort of clue as to how the character views the scene, what sort of physical and emotional reaction she has to the body.
Sadness:
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up against the door, right across from the dumpster. Coagulating blood had pooled around his midsection. I peered down at him, laying there, abandoned and alone. The sun slanted into the alley at an angle and didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked. He must’ve died in a lot of pain, judging by the blood. I wondered if anybody would miss him.
Indignation:
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up against the door, right across from the dumpster. Coagulating blood had pooled around his midsection. I peered down at him, clenching my teeth. Bastards. Not another one.
The sun slanted into the alley at an angle and didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked. I wanted to see his face so I would remember it when those thugs finally got their comeuppance.
Curiosity
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up against the door, right across from the dumpster. Coagulating blood had pooled around his midsection. I peered down at him. A third body this month. What an odd pose. He was twisted like a crushed coke can. The sun slanted into the alley at an angle and didn’t illuminate the scene as well as I would have liked. I could barely see the wound.
(A couple of words here: if the reaction is other than fear and shock, then the narrator must be used to encountering dead bodies, so a couple of words as to why might help forge a connection to the readers.)
Shock
The corpse lay on his back, crumpled up against the door, right across from the dumpster. Coagulating blood had pooled around his midsection. I peered down at him, my heart hammering against my ribs. He was dead. Really really dead. Oh God. The sun slanted into the alley at an angle and didn’t illuminate him well. Maybe he was still alive.
The author of the paragraph is technically proficient and she is able to create strong visceral images. Now she just needs to forge that connection to the reader. She needs to dive into the character, take the scene in through her eyes, and let the character’s reactions color the narrative.
I want to be very clear here: this was a well written paragraph. My edits here do not necessarily improve it. They are structured in a way that showcases places where the paragraph falls short of the mark. I actually had to completely change the meaning of the paragraph to demonstrate the issues and I do hate doing that.
