Morning!
You only felt fear when you had something to lose.
That phrase repeated through my head, especially when it seemed that the world was a living, breathing being, constantly remaking itself on every inhale, every exhale. A being that seriously enjoyed fucking with me.
Good paragraph. The first sentence creates tension – what does the narrator have to lose? – and the second nicely continues it.
This is very short so only a couple of suggestions: I’d switch the first sentence to the present tense. If you notice, most proverbs and sayings are in present tense. It make it more immediate. I’d also italicize it. Also, let’s try adding now before when.
You only feel fear when you have something to lose.
That phrase repeated through my head, especially now, when it seemed that the world was a living, breathing being, constantly remaking itself on every inhale, every exhale. A being that seriously enjoyed fucking with me.
This tells the reader that the world is screwing with our narrator right now and that trouble is ahead, which will hopefully keep the reader interested.
Its interesting how just changing it a bit makes it so much clearer in my head