Paragraph #30

Next,

Author’s note: the protagonist is twelve

Mesmerized by harsh, emerald eyes staring back at me, I didn’t notice his hand until it was sliding down my shoulder. Even then, I didn’t look down at it. He walked a few feet away and joined the other two boys. Disappointed, I realized my arm felt wet. I distractedly swiped my hand across my shoulder and looked at. There was blood on my fingers. Yelping, I looked down and saw a red smear going down the length of my arm. Attempting not to scream, I looked at it more closely and almost fainted right there.

This is good.  Let’s tweak it a bit:

I didn’t notice his hand until it was sliding

Until it slid – it reads a bit more active.

I distractedly swiped my hand

We don’t really need this adverb right here.  We know she’s still watching him walking away and is distracted.

I swiped my hand across my shoulder and looked at. There was blood on my fingers.

We know she looked at it – because she sees blood in the next sentence.

There was blood on my fingers.

Let’s make this a bit active.  Any time there is/there was is employed, there is usually a way to make it sound a bit less passive.  How about:

Blood stained my fingers.

Next,

Yelping, I looked down and saw a red smear going down the length of my arm.

I have a bit of a problem with this.  Awhile ago I wrote a post on stimulus> reaction sequence. I can’t find it.  (Argh.)  But basically I made a point that our reactions actually happen in stages.  The stages that take the least time/effort happen first.  That’s why physical reactions almost always precede anything that requires brain power.

Stimulus: flame of a candle.

Stage one – involuntary response.  We jerk our hand away.   It takes almost no time for our body to process it and it happens immediately.  This is usually a purely “muscular” response.

Stage two – brain processes pain and comes with a simplest mental response.  We yell, “Ow!”

Stage three – brain recognizes the stupidity of touching the candle by forming appropriate thoughts.

Stage four – we vocalize.  “Who the hell put this candle right here?”

We’re wired that way, because it helps us to survive.  If the reactions were reversed, we’d burn all the meat off our fingers.

Let’s do another one.

Stimulus: a growl behind our back on a deserted road.

Stage one – freeze.  Muscular response to immediate threat.  Ever notice that you typically can’t think for a second or two when startled?  It’s mother’s nature fail safe.  Given a chance, we’ll think ourselves to death, instead of running for our lives.

Stage two – thinking.  It’s a dog.  It has to be a dog, what else it could be?

Stage three – slow turning around.

Stage four – recognition of a threat.

Stage five – response.  “Hi, Curran.  Fancy meeting you here.”

Now let’s go back to our example.

Stimulus: wet hand

Stage one – yelp.

Stage two – look.

Do you see how we’ve got reversed here?  Looking takes less energy than yelping.  Let’s put the reactions in the right order.

I looked down and saw a red smear going down the length of my arm. I yelped.

Better.

(This is a personal preference right here.  If it was me, I’d isolate the smear, but the paragraph reads perfectly well without it.

I looked down.  A red smear ran down the length of my arm.  I yelped.

Stimulus>reaction, stimulus> reaction.)

Why is this toy useful?  Besides making the reactions more believable, it also helps with the creepy.  If you look at the previous paragraph (#29) you will see the author quite skillfully fold several hours away.  The time wasn’t important, only the end result was, and so she just glossed over the time.

There are times when every second is important.  The more detailed you make something, the more attention the reader will pay to it.  Scary, creepy moments get detail by detail treatment.  Confrontations with villains.  Preludes to sex, etc.  You can really ratchet the tension up if you take it one step at a time.’

Let’s see where we are if we put it all together.

I swiped my hand across my shoulder.  Blood stained my fingers. I looked down.  A red smear ran down the length of my arm.  I yelped.  Attempting not to scream, I looked at it more closely and almost fainted right there.

That yelped just kind of sticks out and conflicts with the fact that she doesn’t want to scream.  I’d kill it.

I think we also have too many “look” in the paragraph, so I would replace one with synonyms in the final version.

Before:

Mesmerized by harsh, emerald eyes staring back at me, I didn’t notice his hand until it was sliding down my shoulder. Even then, I didn’t look down at it. He walked a few feet away and joined the other two boys. Disappointed, I realized my arm felt wet. I distractedly swiped my hand across my shoulder and looked at. There was blood on my fingers. Yelping, I looked down and saw a red smear going down the length of my arm. Attempting not to scream, I looked at it more closely and almost fainted right there.

After:

Mesmerized by harsh, emerald eyes staring back at me, I didn’t notice his hand until it slid down my shoulder. Even then, I didn’t look down at it. He walked a few feet away and joined the other two boys. Disappointed, I realized my arm felt wet. I swiped my hand across my shoulder.  Blood stained my fingers. I glanced down and saw a red smear going down the length of my arm. Attempting not to scream, I looked at it more closely and almost fainted right there.

Good job on the paragraph.  Just need to tweak the details.