In an earlier post Ilona mentioned that I was dragging her up to the mountains of western NC to visit my relatives for Thanksgiving. She mentions that she is somewhat reluctant to do so and had to be bribed with a fancy hotel room. I should explain why she is sort of nervous about this. I am going to start by explaining my childhood, please bear with me.
I was raised by my Aunt and Uncle, who are wonderful people, because my mom really was not cut out for that sort of thing. Suzie (my mom) was a smart, funny, pretty lady who unfortunately did not really mature or grow up after finding her father, my Grandfather Dooley, dead from a heart-attack when she was 16. She went on to marry a crazy guy when she was 19 but luckily he was not my dad. When I refer to myself as the bastard son of an Irishman, I’m not being funny. He was older, maybe as old as I am now, and married with children.
When I was born, the jig was up. Suzie’s tall, dark, Italian-American husband knew I was not his. She grabbed me and took off. My aunt and grandmother thought he had killed her and reported her as a missing person. The Orange County Sheriff deputy detective assigned to the case was my Uncle. He and my Aunt fell in love and later married. After a few weeks, or months, I’m not sure, she was vague about the details, my mom showed up briefly and dropped me off with my Aunt. I was the ring-bearer in my Aunt and Uncle’s wedding. When I was very young I thought that they were my parents. I had no memories of the preceding events.
When I was maybe 4 or 5 she showed up and told me she was my mom and that I was going to live with her and her new husband in California. I do remember that, and thinking that this crazy lady could not be my mom. How in the world could my real mom let this strange lady take me away? It was the early 70′s and Suzie had never signed over formal custody to my Aunt and Uncle, even my Uncle who again was a cop, could do nothing. To this day it still bothers my Aunt that she was unable to stop her sister from taking me.
My mom’s new prize husband was a 6′ 5″ violent Vietnam vet who was also an alcoholic. I was never happy there and “acted out” as therapists might say now. When I became too much for my mom to handle she would invariably send me back to my Aunt and Uncle. Which is what I always wanted her to do anyway. It went on and on like this until I was 15 and went to live with them in the mountains until I joined the Navy. I did spend my senior year in Japan, but always considered NC my home of record.
After 4 years in the Navy, I came home and attended WCU on the G.I. Bill, where I met a very smart and pretty 18 year old Russian girl. We later got married, had two beautiful children, joined the Army, lived in Oklahoma, then got out and moved to Georgia. I worked as an H/R Coordinator and Ilona was a very sought after Legal Assistant. When our books became somewhat successful we were able to quit our jobs and stay home and write full time. We consider ourselves very lucky. We try to visit the family for either the Fourth of July or Thanksgiving, or sometimes both. But when we go up there all we get is “So your still unemployed huh?” “How are those little books of yours doing?”
By comparison, my oldest cousin/sister had 8 children, is on her 3rd marriage and lied about paying back the 10 grand we lent them when we were still in the Army. My middle cousin and I have always been very close but when I asked her husband not to let the little kids drive the dune buggy because it was loud and dangerous, nobody else would speak to us, even while we were cooking steak to order on the grill for everybody. I was the bad guy for asking the 30 something year old man child, who had already injured himself and his kids on it, to turn the damn thing off while we celebrated my Uncle’s birthday. My youngest cousin, got pregnant and married when she was like 16. She and her husband, who I actually like, broke up, cheated, and got back together several times until they recently divorced. She is now happily married to an older doctor. I also like this guy and I’m happy for her.
And despite all of this I am the Black Sheep of the family. And they treat me like it. I don’t know why and it drives Ilona crazy when they are openly snide to us she has to suppress the urge to tell them off. This year I think I have had about enough and will “show my ass” as they say here in Georgia. Which translates roughly as getting upset and calling them on that crap if it happens again. I love my family but they drive me crazy sometimes.
Oy! At least you’re getting a fancy hotel room out of the deal. The family probably gets in your face because you and Ilona broke the mold and, worse yet, you’re successful. Definitely time to “show your ass”. Talk about book fodder…
Sigh. Yeah, sometimes you just have to.
Good luck. Better yet, I hope you don’t need to this year.
Gordon, your family sounds a lot like mine! We are spread from Morgonton, NC to Ladson, SC. and I have also become the “black sheep” in a family rife with cheating, drug use, divorce, and general behavior which should lead to natural selection culling the herd. You are not alone!
All hail the black sheep. Gordon, there are many of us that have family like that. I am the one that really stands out in my family since I am still not married, nor do I have kids. So when I call out my sisters on how their kids act, I get the third degree because I don’t have kids but yet that was not a problem when I took care of most of them when they were little.
I do feel for you, every family has their on brand of crazy. It’s nice to know the “normal” ones aren’t alone.
It may be time for another Southern phrase: have a come to Jesus meeting with you family, it seemed to help with mine. If you feel the need to escape, we’re in Clemmons, NC….its a lovely drive.
So lemme understand…instead of using your childhood to establish a legitimate martyrdom and victimhood, you instead used it as a springboard to a successful adult career that allows you to pay your bills and stay home with a wife whom, by all accounts, has never cheated on you and with your two children who are currently in school and not pregnant?
Gee, Gordon, I don’t understand why the rest of your family resents you at all…
Send me your address, I will send you a signed book of your choice from our back list.
That is all.
Uh, yeah when you put it like that… You are right and Ilona laughed and laughed when she read your post, you really did hit the nail on the head. I know you’re right and I should not let them get to me, but they always do. Maybe it’s only family that can make you seem so small. Thanks for making me feel better though.
Okay, so I’m at work and I read your responses. I squeed!!!. I never squee. Squee and me do not live in the same zip code. My humiliation damns you. My fan girl is currently doing cartwheels…possibly even the splits. With pom-poms.
I know all about family and how they can push your buttons no matter how much you tell yourself to let it go. You have to forgive them for not being who you need them to be. As soon as I get there with my own, I’ll let you know how I did it.
And that’s all from me on the subject.
Oh dont ever let my husband read your answer, he might print it and put it on my cubicle
Oh yeah, been there with the in-laws and the step-in-laws (shudder). Thankfully, my Irish mother and father taught us the ethic of “If they think they can trade on blood, cut ‘em out of it” growing up. My family tree is far sparser than it would be otherwise, but no one assumes they can treat me/mine like crap because of random genetic happenstance.
Good luck.
The proper response to this sort of thing is offering you a drink.
As…juvenile as it may seem. Flaunt your success. “How are your little books doing?” You’ve made the NY Times best-seller list. You can afford to stay home and be full-time writers. There are royalty checks involved. That’s how your little books are doing.
Even if they’d rather burn books than read them, people understand money. If they don’t, they’re being purposefully dense. Call them out on it! Set your boundaries! Slap people with fishes!
OK, maybe that last one isn’t helpful. But during awkward family get-togethers, I often sit there and imagine it…
Glorious.
Love is easier when it’s far away. Really. For a time I physically couldn’t travel, and so didn’t see family for 6 years. We got along famously. Went home for 9 days last spring and had to call my dad on the carpet. And I love and respect my dad, mind.
A dysfunctional family (and whose isn’t?) needs to be able to point at one member and say, “This is the problem. Fix them!” so they can ignore what’s really going on. A child who acts out is only a symptom of the family dynamic, which is why family therapy is so important in such cases – and so often avoided.
Cades Cove and the Little River are a treat if you need to cut your visit short. And you could always come visit Knoxville.
=A
“Maybe it’s only family that can make you seem so small.”
Got that right. Anyone else you’d ignore, but family can dig right into your skin just like a tick. And they’re just as hard to dislodge.
Yes, and they can suck the happiness out of an occasion just like blood.
I wish you the best on this trip home.
I also agree with the fish-slapping!
Or the imagining at least.
I wish you lots of luck with that. I find your books wonderful, your blog amusing. You both share such wonderful things with the world. You should be proud of that and flaunt it, too.
Family is just a cookie-jar full of crazy. You know that when you reach in, you are going to get crazy all on you.
One of my life rules is “Don’t stick your hand in the crazy.”
I thought hillbilly families just yelled, screamed, and threw punches to solve issues?
Maybe that’s just my family.
Btw, my brothers think I’m a snob because I have a college education. True story.
Good luck! What about interviewing them all and getting lots of great material for future books?
unfortunately we don’t get to choose our family… but we get to choose what we do with our life.
staying in contact with them and giving it your best try is all you can do, I guess. even though they seem not able / not wanting to appreciate you and what you did with your life. all in all, important is, that you lead a life you like, have your own family you can be happy with and know that YOU made efforts to live in harmony with your family.
if they can’t / won’t return the favour and be happy for what you achieved, it’s their loss, IMO.
Ilona, I feel for you. My husband’s family is extremely dysfunctional and I often get stuck being the butt of all their jokes and the all around “bad guy”. Best of luck to you both this Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving = a time to get together with our extended family and be thankful that we don’t do it more often.
Thousands of people read your “little books” and MANY (hundreds? thousands?) of them like the books enough to visit your blog. I’m guessing that most of us keep coming back because we LIKE you.
You can’t classify us as close friends, but how cool is it that when you hit a rough spot or are having an off day, dozens of people (at least) are in your corner cheering you on or at least give you a verbal pat on the back?
Think of us when your family is driving you insane.
P.S. From personal experience, the hotel room will make the whole visit much better.
I have to admit, stories like this make me glad that my family is (for the most part) “normal”. My fiance’s family is absolutely insane and watching the way they can twist him up just breaks my heart sometimes.
I would recommend cutting ties with most of them. See your Aunt and Uncle (who sound like lovely people) and skip the rest. Stop with the major holidays and just see the people who treat you with respect. Life is too short to suffer through these sorts of obligations. Real family loves and supports you – whether they share your blood or not is immaterial.
BTW, I’ve been the black sheep for twenty years – and now I discover my parents have taken to bragging about me behind my back.
Family.
=A
After 16 yrs of craziness I have come to view my in-laws with amusement, frustration and on occasion, anger. My partner is seen by a few members of his family as the black sheep, he doesn’t drink nor does he get into trouble with the law, he is a hard worker who loves me and our child and one of the most loyal people I know. (I know awful huh! How do I put up with him!)
And yes we will be spending time with them this Xmas and undoubtedly there will be fights, drunken behavior and so on and as soon as its starts I will, as I have done before, be packing my family into the car and heading home thankful I won’t have to do it again for another year!
So anyway, good luck and as with any great partnership, I’m sure Ilona will have your back should you decide to “show your ass” LOL.
Let’s just hope they don’t stalk you on your blog like the rest of us do! LOL
I never thought of it like that. LOL.
Thank you for sharing your story, Gordon.
Good to know im not the only one with a horrible family history. I can totally see why Ilona might now want to go and why you do. I get into the same fight every xmas with my hubby on why we need to go to my crazy family and he needs to shut up and cant tell them to put their words up their .. pillows.
Thank you for sharing your story, and remember, 90% of insecurities as adults come from our childhood, some we have a little more than other, but the trick is to remember we are great people and do what we love for a living
, do not ever let them get you down 
Family is put on this earth to drive us bat-shit, it’s unavoidable.
Go, have a good time and shine ‘em all if they get too annoying. Life is too short to take crap you don’t deserve. Hey, if it gets too bad just (you guys) go to the hotel and live it up.
Oy Vey. Last time we spent time with my hillbilly kinfolk I was reminded that I was going to hell because I’m catholic not baptist. They were so sad to think they wouldn’t see me in heaven. Enjoy your hotel and consider it great Edge research material. Hey maybe that can even rise to the level of tax write off.
I haven’t seen my Dad in 3 years because of the way he treats me, or rather the lack of care he shows for me, my husband and his grandchildren. He’d rather have my Step-Mother’s family as his own. We’re the black sheep in the family, since we homeschool, read books and don’t let our Daughter become pregnant like his wife’s granddaughter (who lives with them), that they let run wild.
Best wishes for an uneventful family event!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Sometimes it can be hard talking about the dyfunctionality of your family, then you realise your family is just as dysfunctional as everyone else’s and you feel so much better.
This Christmas, my family is planning a big get together, the likes of which we haven’t had since I was little. I’m not looking forward to it. I have an education, a full-time job, haven’t pushed out any kids let alone enough to field my own football team, don’t have any deleterious addictions (coffee and chocolate don’t count) and I’m the odd one out. Yup, good times…
Good luck for Thanksgiving and may the Gods of Forebearance smile upon you and Ilona during your visit!
*Hugs Gordon*
My parents are bad enough that I cut them off 20 years ago. I just couldn’t put myself thru any more torture & was tired of getting hurt.
Yep, that works for me 
Dysfunctional family are just the best for driving one crazy.They know all the buttons to push
I think showing some ass is a great idea. Especially pointing out the fact that you make enough to stay home with the kids, Ilona isn’t some trailer-trash-whore & your kids are in school & planning to stay there *unpregnant*
Wow. What a family history.. and I thought that my family was dysfunctional!
Just finsihed reading On The Edge and I loved it! Especially Declan describing how he was treated when he first came to the Edge + the end!
Good luck! I hope you “show your ass” at the perfect moment.
so let’s see i know what you mean by hillybilly large family my family is from pamilco county nc and yea sometimes you wonder why you knock you head against the wall. sometimes it’s hard to understand why you go back for more critizism’s from people who are not as sucessful as you or why it even matters it’s a little simple, when you needed them they were there and they love you. no matter how ridulous their antics or what bad decisions they make as adults i alway get refered to as a prison guard when i am a deputy sheriff and have done road patrol but continue to do other things than work in a jail but my extended (not my immediate)family refuses to think that with my education that i could possibly be doing something worth while that makes enough money to support myself. Just deal as best you can, have as little or as much contact as you want and remember i know they are backward (my mothers mother had 9 kids and my dad’s mother had nine kids too) Ilona i know you want the best for your husband but when it comes down to it its up to him to tell his cousins off and making them pay back any money owed to yall. you can either move past their werid reaction to life or not see them but if you decide to see them remember patience you are better then getting mad at things that will not change. If you want to meet some real polite rednecks come to my family reunion its the first sunday in june and you both are invited you can be part of my backward enormous family love yall and don’t worry about the bs
The fact that you still go back and visit your family speaks volumes. God knows the holidays can be stressful enough without family rearing it’s ugly head. Sounds like the black sheep is the one who has everything going for him
I hope you guys get through the holiday relatively unscathed. Good luck with that!
I’m so sorry for both of you! You made me realise again how seriously I lucked out with my family… I experienced a dysfunctional family with my ex, though. Every time we went there, I had to keep a very tight leash on my temper so I wouldn’t explode. I feel for you, Ilona! Best of luck to both of you! You’re awesome, great and have a hoard of rabid fans
Thanks Gordon for sharing this with us.
It can definitely be tough to attend a family reunion where you are not view as a success. I can see how you both may want to avoid going there.
What is wrong with writing Magic books that make people happy? I am glad you both are doing it. The more you write the more I will read. The more I will spread the word.
If you write them….they will come….
Black sheep do better in life anyway. My sister who is older than me by four years is supposedly the black sheep (so says my uncle) but they always always give her everything she wants because “she’s been through a lot”!!! She CHOSE to not finish high school, to not try to get her GED, who got pregnant three times by three different guys and only kept two of the children, and who happens to pick losers for boyfriends ALL the time (who live in her house and pay for nothing). And you know what they do to me? Lock me up (I was never allowed out of their sight b/c if i did i would “become just like my sister”), tell me they dont trust me, that im manipulative, fake and sneaky and even though its been seven years since they told me that it still hurts… Family is like that though, they can hurt you and cut you deep and never even realize that they have hurt you. I sympathize with you and completely understand.
I want to be a lawyer and I love to read books and write my own books and you know what my mom told me? She said she couldn’t possible see me doing those things. I felt broken, hurt, betrayed, angry as hell but you know what the most crazy thing about it though? I still love her. Again that is family for you. My only advice is to prove them wrong!! Show them that you can do w/e you want and be damn good at it! Their words will still hurt but remember love heals pain and you got a family of your own now.
I agree with Jaer (which sounds like JR in my head from dynasty) I think Gordans family should be handled with care – the care being for yourselves during what could be a minefield of a time. I also believe in magic and that if you visualise positive energy ahead of your visit – it may just allow miracles to happen and different behaviour. hey its worth a try! I also see ilona as kate so make sure she packs slayer!
Family make me glad that in the UK we don’t have thanks giving as well as Christmas. I don’t think I could cope with two family holidays in as many months.
I’m sorry that your family don’t appreciate you Gordon and I sympathise with how you feel. I’m somewhat under-valued myself.
I’m happy that you and Ilona have a family together. Perhaps you can’t make everybody who should appreciate you but, the ones that count most do I’m sure. You will value your homelife far more after you get home again.
I hope you both remain unemployed and writing your little books for many years, (just so that I can read them) and if you want to escape for Christmas this year come to the UK and I’ll put you up. It won’t be a swanky hotel though.
Thanks for your story Gordon. I once had a very wise person
tell me, that if you had a belly button you came from a
dysfunctional family(always made me feel better). My
husband is the first adult in Idaho history to be adopted
at age 32 yrs. I say take names and kick-ass if you have to.
I applaud the effort you make to keep the old family ties. It certainly doesn’t sound easy.
Often the successful people in a family are looked upon as being strange, or the black sheep, because the rest of the family doesn’t like to look at themselves in the success’ light.
Try not to let it bother you. You have the family you deserve in Ilona and your children. Not to mention the extended family of fans!
Incidentally, I hope they read the story. That should give them PLENTY to talk about this Thanksgiving. Let me know if you want me to send you some ear plugs!
If you “show them your ass” and have had enough, you are welcome to come have Thanksgiving at our house. Virginia isn’t far and everyone who shows up is welcome (asses hanging out and black sheep as far as you can see). Life is short, have fun while it lasts.
I just wanted to say “thank you” to Gordon for sharing this with us all.
Being the confirmed black sheep of my own tribe I too have had to “show my ass” a time or two. I love them but they do drive me crazy.
Recently after spending the afternoon being subtly reminded of all of my deficiencies (I’m not married, I’m not going to heaven and neither is my son, I’m not the right weight, I don’t live in the right place…blah, blah, blah) I realized that all of the unrealistic expectations, selective memory and one-up-manship being lobbed my way was amazingly “NOT MY PROBLEM”. Did it make me want to take after the biggest offender (my aunt) with the salad tongs from her artfully arranged veggie platter (made especially for me, by the way) and do some serious damage? You bet! Did I do it? No, damn it, because underneath all of the craziness and well meaning manipulation they are my family.
I realized that all of their crap has helped me define exactly what I don’t want to be or do in my life. Being the black sheep has motivated me to not be just like the rest of the flock…thankfully. So I say baaaa-baby-baaaa! Good luck and givem’ hell.
There is one saying that was told to me when I was younger and whenever I see certain family members I think of it “You may love your family but that doesn’t mean you have to like them.”.
Oh poor Gordon…I’m so sorry you deal with original hillbillies. My family is from the farmland in Kansas and that’s a whole other brand of craziness…All of your readers (if they’re like me) love you and Ilona like distant cousins who made good and sometimes it’s better to choose the ones who love you instead of the ones you were stuck with at birth. Let the kiddos run a bit wild, “show your ass”, and just shrug afterwards. We really don’t want to need a fund entitled “Gordon and Ilona Andrews Bailment”. Good luck with the family.
“Maybe it’s only family that can make you seem so small.”
Yes, it IS generally the people that raised you, clothed you, fed you, educated you, etc., etc., that can make you feel so small, and generally do. They’re the people who raised you and then make you feel like sh*t (am I allowed to curse on here?) because they know how to. Thing is that they seem to just dislike you because you’ve done something with your life and because you’re happy. They treat you like that because they’re miserable and if they aren’t happy (even though they’re unhappiness is a product of their own doing), they don’t think you deserve to be happy either. If someone says something, just…headbutt them, then before they recover lean over and scream in their face that your name is Chief Smackaho, and-Oh, wait. They’re family.
How funny. I’ve lived in the north GA mountains my whole life and I say “Showed her ass” or variations thereof all the time. I thought everybody said it.
Apparently not?