M writes:
“I wonder if you will be offended if I say that reading of your frustrations makes me feel better because if you get that frustrated maybe it’s okay that I get that way too? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Hmmmm…do you ever feel like your brain is thinking too hard?”
(I really should restyle my blockquotes, but I would have to look CSS up and I don’t have the energy for it.)
No, I’m not at all offended. I do get extremely frustrated and I frequently think too hard. I’m really kind of exhausted at the moment and thinking about anything is too hard. I can usually tell when I’ve reached the daily limit of work, because I forget the names of everyday objects. Talking to me becomes a trying experience, because I pause struggling to remember things, while narrative related stuff is cycling through my brain.
“Gordon, hey, have you seen my…”
Gordon: waits.
Five seconds later, “…coffee cup? I know I put it somewhere…”
There is only so much RAM in my head and the system experiences slow downs when running at full capacity. I end up frequently apologizing to the kids, because while Gordon keeps the laundry done and we both clean the place, since neither one of us can work if the house is dirty, cooking is 80% me. The other 10% is Gordon and kid 1, who does make kick-butt Tacos, curry, and Hamburger Helper.
(When I was her age, I mouthed off to my mom, who handed me a frozen chicken and said, “Full speed ahead. Make your own dinner, then.” I am trying to avoid that trauma by letting the kids cook little by little.)
Because of the deadline, I sort of let the cooking fall by the wayside and we’ve been having a takeout at least once a week. Last week, twice. We had sushi and fried chicken, and then we went to Sams for Christmas decorations and I got bake-it-yourself pizza for the kids and steaks for Gordon. I am a lousy mom and wife right now, so sue me. Steak is fast and easy, as long as you got brown sugar, garlic and onion.
I did make stew yesterday, so not all is lost.
I really hate this deadline daze, because it turns me into an absent-minded writer caricature. I’m normally at least somewhat sharp, and this really drives me nuts. And if what I’m writing is sucking, this state can last for a while, because I’m actively trying to find a way out of the corner I had written myself into and I’m frequently too dumb to see the solution right away.
I believe that thinking too hard is part of the creative process. When you’re a writer, your world has a tendency to shrink, if you let it. Tiny things gain grave importance. One negative review can make you completely miserable. Other people’s sales or lack thereof can get you depressed in sympathy or just depressed. I have a friend right now who’s been refreshing her email queue every couple of minutes for the last three days or so, because she is waiting to find out the size of her print run from the publisher. On the grand scheme of things, a) she will find out eventually and b) there is nothing she can do about it, but right now nothing is as important as getting that number. (Been there, done that.) Those little things combine to leech the fun out of writing, which is a terrible thing, because the process of creation should be rewarding of itself. To some extent, thinking too hard might be a defensive mechanism that blocks the distractions.
I’ve reached the point where I have to actively fight to keep my world from shrinking. (The alternative is to delete the blog, cut off all online friends, and go into internet exile, and I’m the internet kind of writer – I like talking to people online and I use it constantly to help with the writing.) I don’t look for trouble: I don’t trawl for reviews; I trust our agent, because she knows what she’s doing and I don’t; I take at least three hours every day to hang out with the kids and knit, – and in a minute I’m going to go and have a nice walk with two big filthy dogs toc lear my head. Because I woke up a bit fuzzy this morning, and MAGIC BLEEDS copyedit is in my email box, which means BAYOU MOON must be done now.
I’ve got about two weeks of daze in front of me, and then I can take a week off and hopefully return to normal. Not that it will last very long.
I can so relate. I get an Out of Memory Error and revert to pantomime for simple stuff. It’s worse during editing rather than first draft. Fortunately, hubby usually knows what I need. He also understands there are times I am willing to talk out the plot and other times that I’ll bite his head off if he says one word, even if his idea is the perfect solution to a narly plothole.
He’s also learned my mood can be directly related to what I’m writing. One day I’m happy and chirpy and the next sullen and grumpy. I call it being book-polar. I think we all have it to one degree or another.
Luckily Gordon and your girls understand the stresses and help you cope. That’s what every writer needs/craves.
Book-polar – thank you for such an excellent description, it makes me feel a little less insane
Thank God, it’s not just me that has the “all circuits are busy, please try your call again later” thing. When I’m firing on all writing cylinders, I can’t remember the subjects of my sentences to save my life. I know what the thing is, I can see it in my head, I just can’t get the freakin’ word out. Nice to know it’s a writer thing.
BTW — LOVE your new series!
Lisa
No, it’s not just you.
When are you going to join the dark side and get the second series going?
I found my cell phone in the refridgerator after hours of searching. You sound nice and normal to me. We do the best we can with what we have at that exact moment. Now let me go see if I can find my car keys.
I am a tax accountant and come March I am more of a blob. I have a weird dazed look on my face. I become a suit wearing zombie. Small things escape me and totally confuse me. My poor husband just steers me to the couch and gives me a book.
I frequently find myself searching for basic words because my brain is just full. I think that happens to all of us who have a full life. (That’s a good thing though.) I do not think can focus 100% of your energy on writing, or any job for that matter, and still remain sane or have any kind of social fitness.
Even though you are tired — just think, in two weeks you will be (hopefully) done and have a nice break and holidays to celebrate, spiked nog to drink and presents to open.
Its finals week for me…so the apartment is a mess, my room is even worse, and I aviod looking at the kitchen unless i have to go and rumage up something to eat…though I am rapidly running out of clean dishware, which mean…Paper Plates!!! because until this friday is over, I honestly shouldn’t even be here now…ah, well, breaks are necessary~
ditto
now back to studying
=A
As far as the cooking goes, my mom’s mom never once let her in the kitchen, preferring to keep it clean and tidy. So when Mom moved out on her own, she had no idea how to do even the simplest of cooking. I learned how to make grilled cheese sandwiches when I was six, and I was cooking stews and frying hamburgers when I was nine, just so I wouldn’t grow up to have Mom’s problem.
-
Now fast forward to the present day, when Mom won’t let my fifth grade Lil Bro into the kitchen, so that it will stay neat and tidy. *eyeroll* He’s allowed to use the microwave. Anything else, Mom will take over and do for him. Now how is the child supposed to learn?
Oh, thank god! I thought it was just me. I’m usually a good balancer, but when the holidays show up…it tends to go out the window. And, there are too many projects on the desk.
I’m with you on the Internet thing. This is my office, my connection with the world. If I shut it off, then I feel like i’ve lost my friends LOL.
Glad I’m not alone in the dazed and confused area!
Your analogy of RAM is fantastic! It’s how my mind is most days. Here in England I may not have writing deadlines or exams, but I do have around 300+ pieces of coursework to be handed in by Friday afternoon.
Assignments + stressed students = chaos. I’m glad it only lasts a few days.
Tip for chaos:stress: eat your favourite treat!