I wanted to talk a little bit about disappointment this morning. This comes from several different conversations I had over the past week or so.
We live in an odd culture. I was reminded of it when I spoke to my father recently. We talked about a visit and he said, “At least you’re over there. Here you walk out on the street and all you see are pissed off faces.” “Pissed off” expression comes naturally to most city-born Russians: life is hard and if you look pissed off, you’re less likely to be mugged. If your life is good, no need to rub it in by smiling too much.
In US, we’re conditioned by society that any negative emotion must be securely hidden from the outsiders. We’re encouraged to put on a happy face. If you’re grieving, do so in private and please be at work as soon as possible. I remember when my mother died, my company rep said, “You can take a day off, if you would like.” If you’re a pessimist by nature or if you are traumatized and saddened by some tragic event in your life, the society assures you that this situation should be corrected and offers an array of mood-controllers to bring you back to the default and normal state of happy. Otherwise, you might make other people aware of your negativity.
It’s curious, because as a society, we don’t have much to be happy about: we have the least amount of social safety net among developed nations and we work the longest hours. According to Forbes, we didn’t make it into the top 10 happiest countries. We get richer as we grow older, just not happier. But we’re encouraged to pretend that everything is fine and to carry this pretense into absurdity: nobody is obese, they’re just big boned; everybody is gifted and special; everybody is a winner.
But underneath all of this real world still exists. And occasionally it chews us up in a rather detached manner and spits us out. It’s not personal. Afterward, we’re left to deal with things like disappointment, for which we have no coping mechanisms in place. Hiding negative emotions doesn’t make them go away. Wallowing in them and pretending to be a martyr and climbing on a cross isn’t healthy either, but that’s another post.
For writers, disappointment is a constant companion. The system we have in place now tells us that as long as we make an effort, we’re entitled to a reward and success. It doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you make all the effort you can and you get nowhere. And if you failed, you have no right to self-pity. No, you pick yourself up and dive right back in, and work harder than ever before.
Bullshit.
I’ve talked to several people this past week. Someone was disappointed in their numbers and their publisher shared in that disappointment, and their contract was not renewed. Someone was disappointed in the launch of their new title. Someone was disappointed in their agent. And the dominant thread through the conversations was, “What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I do better? Why do I suck so much?”
There is nothing wrong.
We all feel disappointment. Writers feel bad about our sales, about our reviews, about lack of enthusiasm from the publisher, about being passed over for an award. People in other professions feel disappointed at being passed over for promotion, at being asked to take a pay cut, at losing benefits. Those are terrible, awful events, and they require time and often support of others to go away. It’s the universal reality of life. We’re not designed to be permanently stuck on happy. We bust our asses, working like crazy, and in the end we still can fail and often do. There are no guarantees in life. Disappointment happens and we have to own it before we can move on. So the next time you fail, I suggest taking two-three days and letting it rip.
Just let it go. Email your friends. Tell your family – or at least those members of it who are not predisposed to judge you. Get some human contact and let your friends help you out, whether it’s a movie together or a cup of coffee. Lift some weights, go for a run, turn the music up and dance. Accept that this is normal and it too will pass and just go along with it. And then, when your three days are over, go back to work, not because you have to pretend to be unaffected, but because while we’re not meant to be constantly happy, we usually feel better when we’re productive.
Amen! That was a well written piece of advice. I am one that “wears my emotions on my sleeve.” once and a while folks will make me feel bad about that, but so what? I let out my emotions. I feel — no — I know I am a better woman for it!!
Damn, way too deep for this early in the morning. Guess the time adjustment worked. I need coffee!
i cannot believe your rep only offered you one day off for your mother’s passing. that’s pretty selfish of them. tsk tsk
Thanks!
I needed those reminders
Do you remember the movie “My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding”? It seemed everyone I knew related to the woman’s family with big, loud relatives, etc. Not me, the future husband’s very quiet, uncomfortable, small family nailed mine.
I think we all have to deal with our anger and disappointment in different ways, but you’re right, it must be faced. I tend to hole up a bit, it works for me.
You are so right! When my husband and I made the decision to close my store the Christmas holidays were here and we chose not to tell his family for the very reasons you stated. Did you do this, did you try that, and don’t worry just go on and do something else. Bullsh*t! You could have put a F***ing in front of that because that’s how I feel. So right now I enjoy being a MOM again while baking fattening foods and delicious stews and soups, drinking lots of scotch, and telling my family how much I love them cause they just smile and hug me as I sometimes cry.
So sorry. It sucks terribly that it happened.
I cry too once in a while. It’s surprising how much it helps.
Thanks but life goes on.
On the crying it’s nice because I can get a backrub from my husband without having to…you know I get a free backrub lol. Not that there is anything wrong with you know…but sometimes it’s nice to just get a backrub lol.
Hmm – you make good points. For me, though, I enjoy the general upbeat and uncomplaining attitude because sometimes where I am, it seems like everyone is so busy complaining about everything. It’s like everything is someone else’s fault, and one is always perfect, which for someone as imperfect (yet, oddly judgemental) as me, gets tiring.
I guess the “positive” attitude is also a way of exerting influence over one’s environment ((or feeling that one is, which – aren’t the two identical?)- if it’s my fault that I failed, then I can fix it. Otherwise, where’s the hope in that?
Or maybe I’m just an escapist who refuses to face reality.
Thanks for giving me something nice to mull over.
I don’t think you’re an escapist. I tend to have a I can fix this outlook on life. My post is more toward people who become so caught up in being always on the ball that they forget that some things just require time.
Oh, I agree with you there, in fact most things take up time. So I do my best to forget, or assume it won’t and spin another web.
Here’s a question – what do you do if you are supposed to be the sunshiny one? I’m afraid a lot of the time that if I turn up all gloomy and sad, my friends won’t like me anymore. So then it’s just easier to hide and hope it’ll go away.
If your friends only like you when you are happy, then may be they might not be good friends but more like hang out buddies.
It’s hard to say for other people, but I know I can call J in a complete doom and gloom and she will listen to me for an hour and I’d do the same for her.
I am super emotional, and I think disappointment is probably the hardest for me to deal with. But your absolutely right in that a few days off to deal with it, usually bumbs me back up to where I need to be!
I really have a bit to think about now. I am glad you shared your post today. With several slightly depressed/manic family members, and a seasonally challenged oned, I tend to be the positive and steady one everyone comes to complain to. I feel like I can never complain to them or act anything other than positive, because I’m supposed to be the “happy” one.
Sometimes friends are best. Family will be with you no matter what, but friends actually like you and chose to hang out with you.
It’s so true that sharing it helps!! Capricorn that I am, I often feel like I have to do everything perfectly and by myself. And I should be able to solve the world’s problems as well as my own while I’m at it, LOL. This week I shared my burden with my husband and my BFF and I feel so much better. They are always there for me, I don’t know why forget that sometimes.
Well said! I rather be an emotional wreck than a stumped zombie version of a human being. We have emotions for a reason. Let them out. Thank goodness for my bf! She and I have a b*tch fest every day. It helps to be able to “clear the air” and relieve some of the burden, I tend to carry around like another limb.
Disappointment is a part of life. But we now live in a society that’s so PC that we can’t claim to be disappointed… it’s a huge peeve of mine… especially in “autism-land”. The current crop of 20 somethings down to infants have no idea what disappointment is… there’s absolutely no consequences and they are taught that the first day of Kindergarten.
http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/2009/12/on-things-which-i-really-should-let-go.html
And some simply say it better that I could b/c I could go on for pages
Interesting. I’m not one for public displays of emotion. I find it… distasteful. I don’t think anyone should expect people to be smiley after losing someone — but I do think there’s a time and place for emotion like that. Culture plays a big role, I agree. In Britain it’s kind of one of our unspoken social rules to pull yourself together and treat disappointment with humility. If you’re upset, not to draw attention to it. I remember my mum was watching X-Factor and this dreadful woman was crying and fell to the floor. She was like ‘where’s her dignity?’ Just a bit.
Bitching to family and friends is how I deal with that. I’d be mortified if every Tom Dick and Harry knew I was upset. Lol.
That’s why I said above, cry to friends and family.
Excellent post. I do the stoic thing in public and then lose it in private, to my spouse and to my very close writer buds. Outside that circle folks won’t know if I’m supremely pissed at some person or event. I’m Welsh by ancestry so my first impulse is to whack off some fool’s head just to let the world know I’m not happy. Unfortunately that isn’t an option in the publishing (or family) spheres. My biggest challenge is accepting that a certain number of things in my career cannot be affected directly no matter how much I try (especially now that I’m writing for NY). It chafes the uber Scorpio a lot.
Good friends keep you from going to jail, know when to get you drunk, suggest you should get laid, and when it’s best to push back and say, “Hey, you’re overreacting.” God bless every one of them.
Loved today’s posting and comments. I have to say, though, it gets a bit harder to keep those emotions properly expressed when you’re going through a certain “change.” I was all over the place! LOL Luckily under control(ish).
Love your post. You make some good points. I believe that if you don’t have any low points you can’t fully appreciate how good the high points are. Each are are equal value (and the grey bits in between!)
I like the idea of taking time out to deal with disappointment to acknowledge it and move on. I did something similar with grief (many years ago when my Grandfather died) I set aside a time slot each day when I would think of him and be sad and cry, etc. It really helped me get through it and eventually I didn’t need that time slot anymore…
Maybe employers can allocate workers ‘disappointment days’ as well as holidays!!
This was an excellent post. And it is something that is ingrained within our society. If you’re not happy, take a pill. If you’re stressed, here’s a pill. Restless leg syndrome? We’ve got a pill.
I’m not such a huge fan of people being stoic and stodgy though. You keep it bottled inside long enough, chances are, it’s going to hurt you more in the long run rather than having an outburst and dealing with it as it comes.
As one of those millions of people here in the u.s. that’s out of work, it’s frustrating as hell. You put your best foot forward, try hard to do the right thing, work on things that need improvement and still nothing changes. It’s hard to put a happy face on that. Why should I? I don’t whine or cry pitifully (most of the time) but I don’t gloss it over either. People know I’m disappointed and frustrated and I don’t see a reason to hide that.
I read your blog frequently and generally finish with a smirk at your funny comments or your quirky knitting obsession, but I really feel like what you wrote today speaks to me personally.
I am at a crossroads in my life where reality and dreams are coming to an unexpected head-on collision. In school we learn that we are all unique and special stars, can all become President or celebrities, and while my fantasy future wasn’t quite as unrealistic as that I am having a hard time coming to terms with a full blown reality check. My prospects are disappointing. This isn’t what I thought it would be.
I wish that I could turn the tone of my previous paragraph around and say something really inspiring with a kick-butt attitude, but that just isn’t the reality of things. In truth, my plan is a long drive home with the music blaring and windows down singing at the top of my lungs.
I try and remember one thing-
This too shall pass.
Sometimes driving home with the music blaring and the windows down is the best therapy.
Hang in there. Somehow we always persevere through times like this, but knowing that doesn’t really help with getting through the rough part.
Eventually it will look better, but meanwhile, I hope you have a boring uneventful and completely safe drive with lots of awesome music.
I always thought it odd that most people don’t want you to express your emotions. After all aren’t they what make us human?
Where I work we have had a wage freeze for over a year and they have actted like it’s no big deal and that we shouldn’t get so worked up over it. It has gotten to the point that anyone is scared to say anything out loud about it for fear of losing their job. I won’t go into any farther, but the whole thing baffles me and gets me pretty pissed because when it comes to the bottom of it, it’s like they don’t care. So in the end are we suppose to become emotionless and robotic?
Your post really speaks the truth. There is just so many norms society inflicts on us and hiding your emotions is just one of them. ((I’m a sociology major))
It just seems like society wants you to always be wearing your “happy mask” and it always seems like it’s telling you to “just get over it and move on.” But that’s the problem. You can’t always wear a mask and you can’t just always get over things as quickly as society wants you to. I couldn’t just get over being laid off from a job I really liked. It took me about two weeks to finally figure out what was going on which allowed me to start looking for another job.
But when having to deal with the craziness of reality, at least I have a supporting family and a couple of good friends that help me through everything. And when they can’t do much, just give me some music to listen to, something for me to cook, or a great book to read!!
What a great post.
I get so annoyed sometimes when something bad happens(in my mind)and when I commiserate to a family member I get the inevitable inspirational bull$hit.
“Well, things happen for a reason.”
“When God closes one door he opens another.”
“Well, you’ll just have to find better inventory and sell more.”
Heck, I KNOW this.I don’t need someone to tell me what I already know. Once, just once, I’d like someone to say, “Hey, that really sucks. I bet your mad. Let it out. I’ll here to listen.”
*sigh*
Wow this is the perfect post for me today. My job just actually passed a new policy that you can’t be negative in the work place. You have to project happiness and positivity about all policies and all people.
Even when those policy changes include: less leave, down to 2.5 hrs earned a pay period, which translates to working 1 1/2 mth before you have enough leave to take a single day off; no more grace period (used to have 5min) and you must work 15min longer in the morning and evening; a pot luck for the kids (ED school) in which staff is required to use their own money to voluntarily provide food (really, it’s not voluntary).
So I think even the ability to be unhappy is being taken away these days. It’s society wide which just makes it all the worse. Everyone is happy, everyone is equal, we all share the same load, yay! Urgh.
OMG I can’t imagine what I would do if I got a work memo telling me I had to be happy. That would probably push me over the edge. lol
u r sooo rite, Ilona. i was back in the country of my birth for the hols n saw a lot of shit happening! yeah, yeah for a while i was in shitville!! LOL =P
i have been away for years n some things or ppl just don’t change!!! i decided to be myself n wear my emo on my sleeves when i want to! thr are some really f-up ppl in my family who just love to give ppl a hard time. i had my bulldog face on when ever those crappy ppl were near me…i just didn’t care n couldn’t give a damn if they were bad mouthing me! when i’m good, i’m really good but when i’m BAD…i’m even better!!!
besides for those assholes…i had a wonderful holiday wt great frds n families.
hope u all had a great holiday season, a merry xmas n a fantastic new year!!!
Thanks for your thoughtful post. It reminds me of Thoreau’s quote: “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Nobody gets a free ride and it’s good to be reminded that everyone needs support and comfort in difficult and stressful times and most often, it is friends who come through for us. I find much comfort, solace and relief in books and so am very grateful to authors such as you, Ilona, for writing books that bring pleasure and a respite. This quote from CS Lewis also expresses that view:
“Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.” Thanks again for your thoughts.