We bring this goodie to you because some of you signed up for the newsletters after the deadline. We don’t want to resend that newsletter again, because that would be spammy.
Conlan’s Birthday Text
This was originally a twitter but it works best as texting.
Curran: Nothing loud.
Curran: Nothing that makes noise or lights. No lights.
Jim to Dali, PM: We need something loud.
Dali: We could get him a set of drums.
Jim: I want something louder. Something that wails like a banshee.
Dali: Let me think about it.
Raphael to Curran: What should we get Conlan?
Curran: Nothing loud.
Raphael: will do.
Raphael to Andrea: He says nothing loud.
Raphael: I know, right? I feel his pain. It’s delicious.
Andrea: Seriously, though, what are we getting him? What kind of a gift do you get a human boy? What did you get when you were a toddler?
Raphael: A knife.
Raphael: It was cool. It had a leather handle and it smelled like leather and oil. I carried it everywhere. I’d sniff it and stab things.
Andrea: Have I told you you’re a sicko?
Raphael: That’s why you married me. 😉
Andrea: What did you stab with your knife?
Raphael: Everything. Trees. Couch cushions. I stabbed mom’s desk one time.
Andrea: I bet Aunt B just loved that.
Raphael: Yeah, she took the knife away for the whole day.
Andrea: You don’t even know how spoiled you are. If we try to give him a knife, Kate will blow a gasket. Also Conlan is one year old. He doesn’t need a knife.
Raphael: I don’t know. The way that kid is moving around and babbling, he’s more like two. Sometimes he gives me the creeps.
Andrea: He’s Roland’s grandson. What do you want?
Dali to Jim: I found it. It’s a truck.
Dali: The gift for Conlan. It’s a fire truck.
Jim: You want to get him a fire engine?
Dali: Not a real one. A toy fire engine. It’s about three feet tall and made of wood. It has a ladder and he can climb it. It runs on enchanted water and if you chant it up, it makes lights and the siren goes off.
Jim: Is it loud?
Dali: I can barely hear myself think.
Jim: Buy it.
Dali: It’s pricey.
Jim: I don’t care. BUY IT. Before someone else does.
Dali: We can put a big blue bow on it.
Jim: I love it.
Raphael to Andrea: What did you get for your birthday?
Andrea: A beating. Sometimes with extra helping of “why aren’t you dead yet?”
Raphael: … I’m an idiot.
Andrea: It’s okay.
Raphael: Andy, are you at home?
Raphael: Look in my underwear drawer.
Raphael: Just do it.
Andrea: Who knows what I might find in there? What am I looking for?
Raphael: You’ll know it when you see it.
Andrea: I hate you. I have a clan meeting in ten minutes and I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out.
Raphael: Do you like it?
Andrea: It’s beautiful.
Raphael: The sapphire is for you, the ruby is for me, and the diamond is for Baby B. We’re all together. I was saving it for our anniversary next week, but I think today is better.
Andrea: I’m still crying.
Raphael: I love you. You’re my favorite. I love you and Baby B more than anything, Andy.
Curran to Kate: Hey, baby.
Kate: I want to run away.
Curran to Kate: That good, huh.
Curran: What did he do?
Kate: He flushed an orange down the toilet.
Curran: … How? Oranges float.
Kate: He peeled it.
Curran: Are you serious?
Kate: Yep. Found him in the bathroom with the water pouring out of the toilet. He was sitting on the floor, splashing, and giggling.
Kate: I know you’re laughing. Do not laugh!
Curran: That’s terrible.
Kate: Why me? Why?
Curran: How the hell did he figure out that he needed to peel the orange?
Kate: I don’t know. He is special.
Curran: What is he doing now?
Kate: He found Derek and Julie’s present in the closet and opened it before I could get to him.
Curran: What did they get him?
Kate: A cowboy hat and a saddle.
Curran: I don’t want him anywhere near horses. He is a human kid. He could fall and break his neck. A horse could step on him.
Kate: It’s a very small saddle. Custom made.
Curran: For what?
Kate: For Grendel. It fits him perfectly.
Curran: Kate? What is our son doing exactly?
Kate: I had to shower him after his toilet water escapade. I toweled him off and used the bathroom. While I used the bathroom, he found the present, put the saddle on Grendel, and now he is riding around the house.
Kate: No. He has a cowboy hat on.
Kate: When are you coming home?
Curran: Hold on, baby. I’ll be there in half an hour.
Kate: Bring food.
Kate: I’m going to take tomorrow off. Do you think something might attack the city?
Curran: Something always attacks the city.
Kate: Oh good. I need a me day.