In the past few weeks, I’ve watched bits and pieces of live court coverage and several episodes of the First 48, a show that follows real detectives in their investigation of homicides. I’ve come to an interesting conclusion. While evil genius masterminds must exist somewhere, 95% of the criminals are hopelessly stupid.
A lot of the First 48 episodes follow a set pattern:
Suspect shoots Victim and kills him.
1. Victim is found by cops.
2. Cops ask questions of the witnesses. Nobody knows anything.
3. In the next twenty four hours, witnesses sneak into the police station and explain that
- Victim was seen arguing with a guy known by street name of Cheesy Poofs over girlfriend/money/drugs
- or Victim was shot by Cheesy Poofs during a drive-by/robbery/drug deal
- or Cheesy Poofs bragged about killing the Victim to his girlfriend/homies
Honestly, how stupid is that? You kill somebody and instead of covering up the crime, you tell everybody about it? Because it won’t get back to the cops, of course not.
4. Cops enter description and alias of Cheesy Poofs and come up with the name of the suspect and the last known address.
5. Cops go to see Cheesy Poofs, fail to find him, and tell his mother and all the neighbors that they really need to talk to him. A girlfriend/sister/mother/homie gives the cops a cell phone number. The cops call the cellphone and leave a message for Cheesy Poofs that they would like to talk to him.
6. Cheesy Poofs calls (!) the cops and says, “Hey, I heard you were looking for me.” The cops tell Cheesy Poofs that they need to ask him some questions.
7. Cheesy Poofs comes into the station of his own free will and tries to bullshit the cops, who talk to him for two hours, confront him with evidence, upon which Cheesy Poofs confesses.
There are some variations in this pattern – occasionally Cheesy Poofs gets picked up by uniform cops or gets pulled over for a traffic violation. Sometimes Cheesy Poofs refuses to confess – but he never asks for a lawyer – is caught in a lie and they arrest him anyway.
We’re not talking Dr. Moriarty deviousness here, just basic common sense. You’re a scumbag who committed a crime. Keep your mouth shut. If cops call you and tell you to come in, you tell them, “I’ll be right there,” and then you get into your busted ass vehicle and drive at speed limit toward the nearest border. Why would you walk into the police station of your own free will, like a drunk who thinks he’s smarter than everybody and can trick them into thinking he is sober? Why don’t you ask for a lawyer? Do you not watch TV?
I honestly don’t get it. I’m just happy they get caught.
I once attended a training seminar conducted by a former police officer. One thing in particular that he said resonated with me, both in my work and in my mystery-reading hobby. He said that as a general rule, people will maintain their innocence as long as possible, even when they know, and have no reason to doubt, that they will be proven wrong the next second.
Very very funny. Great post! (Tee hee…Cheesy Poofs…)
LOL its so very true, most criminals out there are INCREDIBLY stupid beyond measure. The only thing I know for sure is that according to my pop’s (lawyer) when/if you get called in by the cops the only thing you say is (excuse bad language) “f*-you I want a lawyer”… even if all they ask is “do you want a drink” your response is to be “f*-you I want a lawyer” rinse and repeat as necessary till you get said lawyer.
Continuing on stupid criminals… I have heard stories of people stealing stuff from cops kids. As in both parents are Cops…. ummmmm do you think MAYBE you should choose a different victim?!?!
Aaaaaaand i forgot to add the bunny pic is disgustingly cute
This. A thousand times this. And even more if you’re not guilty, because then you don’t know what to protect yourself *from*.
I really think that doing bad things kills brain cells and increases the idea that the perpetrator is smarter than everyone else.
Ah, the difference between reality and fiction. If either of us wrote a criminal character that stupid we’d get busted by our editors in a heartbeat. Luckily reality allows for rampant idiocy, arrogance and just plain dumb so these losers get nailed. Our evil doers actually have to have a working brain.
LOL. Once I watched one of those “the most stupid criminals” programs on the telly, this guy tried to rob a shop wearing a see-through tight over his head! Luckily the shop owner recognised him (they were neighbours) and said “xxx (insert name), I’m going to call your mum!” Xxx ended up begging the shop owner not to call his mum.
Don’t forget the power of the mysterious tip line. When I’ve watched the first 48, I’m always surprised by the amount of people calling in leaving vague, unhelpful clues. And since real life pales in comparison to the drama on tv, being a detective looks rather boring and tedious as hell.
And the criminals not asking for a lawyer just kills me.
Yeah modern law enforcement banks on the truth that the average criminal is not so bright. They almost ALWAYS tell on themselves.
If only reality TV reflected reality in truth! Mostly what we’re seeing in these shows are the ones that got caught. What percent of a real-world detectives caseload do they represent?
BTW, I hope you never need it, but in a case where the tip-line is overwhelmed with callers and you really think you have an important clue, try the local numbers for the police. They thought my tip was significant enough to patch me through to the command center.
I used to watch The First 48 when it dealt mostly with the Memphis police. I’ve read that their solved cases ratio for murder was 90-something percent. Just FYI.
Here’s an app I found that shows the percentage of solved murders by state and county.
http://www.commercialappeal.com/data/unsolvedmurders/
Memphis is in Shelby County, but Shelby County police and Memphis police are in two separate local governments.
We just to have a saying in JAG (Judge Advocate General) corps; there are 2 types of criminals – the one’s who think they are smarter than everyone else and the one’s who just aren’t thinking.
Well let us look at whom we are talking about. 1. Blue collar criminals that normally have not evaded police notice before. These are not the ‘gang’ bosses who use brutal methods for shutting up witnesses, nor have they risen to the top of their little criminal enterprises. These are people who somehow got the idea that crime is the way to get what they want. 2. The IQ of these people is not great. If they were DnD characters they would be first level “Thug’ (street smarts 10, weapon with no pluses and their own ability to use said weapon Low) vs a level 10 ‘Police” who in a big city normally have street smarts 18, massive stores of weapons, and sidekicks to augment their own abilities…Uh, no contest. The one thing the street thug gets is lawyer after the fact, which if you don’t have the cash to purchase a good one is a PD who normally has heard it all before, is burned out and really wants the court system to run fairly, vs an ADA who is the same but with more pay.
The criminals who seem to get away with it are white collar, and have money for lawyers. I would think criminal masterminds would come from that subset.
DND Street Thug Analysis – Total Win!
!
Criminals are like 4th graders. Teacher: Who threw that?!? Guilty student: Not me! Innocent (relatively speaking) students pointing at Guilty Student: H/She did it! Guilty Student: You didn’t see me throw nothing!
All I have to do is wait and they will confess every time. A stern look is all it takes.
I remember watching the news here in Australia and they showed a report of two Aussies that held up a bank in USA or Canada.
They wore their name tags during the robbery.
I remember being really embarrassed. If you are going to represent your country by stealing, can’t you at least be a little cooler about it.
Then I had a “what are you thinking moment” :S
lol ok…I need to laugh in spanish too jajajajaajjaja
But until they get caught, these are the same people who come to jury duty since they get a paid day off and are considered to be amongst your peers. Seriously? That in itself should keep you from a life of crime.
bwahaha! I love it!
Cheesy Poofs *giggles*
I saw one of those ‘dumbest criminals-shows’ too and I remember these two:
1) tried to rob a gas station with a BRIGHT BLUE!!! water gun
2) ran several red lights, managed to lose the police that was following him, drove home and parked his car outside the house he lived in, right in front of the local police station!
LoL, I love the dumbest criminal shows, I love going to the websites too.
BTW love the bunny, its so cuuute <3
Okay…. I love the cheesy poofs… but the bunny took the cake. (Perhaps because I am such a Joss Whedon/BtVS fan… all I could think of was Anya and her bunny phobia… I know which side of the debate she would have fallen on.) Sorry for the side bar/tangent… couldn’t be helped.
ROFL
This reminds me of an article I read some time ago on the local newspaper: a man had decided to rob a local little bank, so he put a fake (!!) gun in his pocket, a ski mask, and went to said bank. On a saturday morning. DOH! Now, I don’t know if it’s the same in the US, but in Italy ALL BANKS are open only monday-to-friday, no way you can find one open on a saturday. Anyway, he stayed there a little while, no doubt wondering what the hell were the clerks waiting for opening, and then decided to change victim. In the meanwhile, the local shop-owners had called the cops coz they had noticed him lurking around suspiciously. The wannabe robber put on his mask, took out his fake gun and stormed in a bakery to rob them: unfortunately, he had planned everything so well that he didn’t check before storming in and basically threw himself in the arms of the cops who had gone there to investigate about the suspicious looking man lurking near the bank. Talk about criminal masterminds!! LOL
All I can say is thank god for drugs. At least in my county, they’re usually the cause of most crimes. The good news is that they tend to make the criminals so dumb they’re not that difficult to catch.
Oh yeah, criminals are SO dumb! I worked at a police station for a year (admin. assistant- but we handled the case files and knew what was going on)- never saw a smart criminal! Those who think they’re criminal masterminds often get caught because of the patterns they leave behind!
Hmm… what’s that you say Mr. Criminal- you don’t know why the last 5 burger chains you’ve managed have had money stolen out of the safe? Gee- that’s a really long string of bad luck… oh, and by the way, we have a witness who saw you go into work on your day off, which just happens to be the same day the cash went missing!
OMG I had to comment because I TOTALLY agree XD I remember that last year 3 boys raped a 13 years old girl in a party and they recorded it in their cell and put the video in youtube to brag. Oh and lets not forget that you could see their faces in the video. How STUPID is that?? Thx to the video the police discovered who they were ^_~
But I have to admit that are some with some who are creative. The Darth Vader bank robber. And I have to say that I LOVED his idea and it was pretty original, the only thing missing was the lightsaber. By the way did they manage to catch the guy???
PS: I LUV the bunny