I am really a pretty hateful bitch, when it comes to books, so I rarely provide cover quotes. Giving the book a cover quote means endorsing it with our name. It’s similar to tapping a reader on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, I liked this. You like my books, you should give this a try.” I don’t usually do this lightly. I really have to like the book.
But sometimes I don’t even read the book in question before declining to quote. The deadlines are kind of killing us right now and have been for the past year, so sometimes I don’t have time, but occasionally it’s not the lack of time that’s the culprit, it’s the way the request is phrased.
The job of requesting quotes falls on editors and agents of the authors, and there is a kind of etiquette that goes along with the process. For example, if you were to go to our contact page, you would see that we ask all of the quote requests to be forwarded to our agent. Despite this, people still send the quote requests to us. Since I end up spending time reading them, I thought I’d use them as a blog post. 
. It must be said that most of those are probably honest mistakes on the part of the senders, but they are still amusing.
These are from a period of approximately two years and some of them were sent to me and others were shared by friends.
Dear Llona Andrews,
That’s not my name. If you’re requesting the quote, please make sure that the author’s name is spelled correctly.
Dear Chloe Neill,
That’s not my name.
Dear Ilona Andrews, My name is ____. I would be delighted if you could provide a cover quote for ____ new exciting debut. Jennifer, I think you will love…
Still not my name. If you are recycling requests, be sure to change the name in the entire message.
_____is a fun, quirky, imaginative rift off the supernatural romance genre… …leaving precious little time for smoochies…
Riff on or sometimes riff off means to borrow and elaborate, it’s a jazz term. Rift means to split or cause a break in friendly relations. Also smoochies?
My deadline for this book is March 1st, so I need you to give this request highest priority.
Hahahaha! Okay, let me drop doing everything that I am actually getting paid for and accommodate your orders.
___ is a breath of fresh air in a field flooded with mediocre vampire and angel stories…
Did you look on my bloody sidebar before you sent the request?
____ is much better than Author X
I am friends with Author X. You are dead to me.
We need your help in promoting this release. If you like the book, we would be thrilled if you Twittered about it.
I’m not a publicist.
And finally, coup de grâce:
____ is a wonderful book and _____ is a unique heroine. You won’t find any magic swords or oversexed shapeshifters…
It is too bad that you get so much (or any) of this stuff, but just look at how many of us you made happy by this posting!
“I am friends with Author X. You are dead to me.” is the perfect response. I keep laughing as I think of it. It is almost too bad that you didn’t send it, but you are sooo not hateful, so you didn’t. You could have signed it “Chloe,” Jennifer,” or even “Llona.” Somehow, I hear the Kinks singing: LOOOla, L-O-L-A LOOOOlaa…
Oh the last one is priceless. And the deadline one. Nice.
By the way I need a cover blurb for my unfinished awesome novel that’s due like, in an hour, and there’s no silly shapeshifters or vampires or even this “blood magic” because that’s all SO last year. Call me okay? *snark*
(I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist and your shifters are by far my favorites.
)
SMARCASM!!! OMG I LOVE IT!!! ok.. I died laughing!
I love the way they give you a summary of their book that basically says “my book and my perspective are marvellous! unique! i am special! yes i am! you do not need proof LLona! just endorse me anyways”.
hehe. you are dead to me. brilliant.
I hadn’t realized it was possible to fit one’s entire leg in one’s mouth. How educational.
That last one slayed me! ( he he pun intended)
Made my day! People are such goobers
I am passing fond of magic swords and oversexed shapeshifters–especially when they’re done well.
why does it keep telling me duplicate comment detected? i know i haven’t made this comment!
I love the way they give you a summary of their book that basically says “my book and my perspective are marvellous! unique! i am special! yes i am! you do not need proof LLona! just endorse me anyways”.
hehe. you are dead to me. brilliant.
yep, you have. Just scroll back five comments.
damn, Ilona’s nice. she goes through all of this shit, but she still keeps connected with us. that’s almost angelic!
ah thanks. damn computer. it’s definitely got issues. i’m sure i couldn’t see it there last night!
I love the last one. So funny!
As for the author endorsements, I have to say that I hate them. My ONLY real problem is that I think the blurb should ONLY apply to the book for which it was intended. It really irks me when Author A writes something about Author B, praising, for instance, Author B’s imagination, and then on every single book Author B publishes again for the rest of her life, there’s that blurb from Author A. I hate that. There should be a statute of limitations on author endorsements.
Actually, I often use them in deciding not to give the book a try
Actually, I kind of rely on blurbs by authors I like. There are so many books out there. Of course, this isn’t perfect. One of my fave authors did blurb something no where near as good as the fave author’s own writing, but varied experiences are helpful in the meta sense, I guess.
I honestly don’t even believe the blurbs anymore. There was a book I recently read and the blurb stated that it was wonderfully written. The blurb was given by Kelley Armstrong, I think, and I’ve heard a LOT of good things about her (I have only tried to read Bitten and I’ve never quite been in the mood to get very far with it). The book was awful – the biggest part was that the writing wasn’t done near as well as it could have been. I completely disagreed with the blurb. Not the first time it’s happened, and I’ve seen several books with the same blurb on them. I’ve also heard of certain authors always giving blurbs for other specific authors’ books, so there could always be this “Oh I didn’t read it, but I used to read this author”/”I’m friends with this author” thing going on.
Much respect to you guys for putting up with such requests. Several of those were pretty darn funny.
Hey Sarah,
Blurbs always come with Your Mileage May Vary disclaimer. When I evaluate the book, I do so as a reader, but also as an author. Sometimes magic happens, and I just read and enjoy it without any author silliness popping up. For example, I will probably shortly recommend a book by Steve Perry. I enjoyed it as a reader. As an author, I think that a lot of it could’ve been cut.
It boils down to “Did I enjoy this book?” and “Will our readers like it?” for me. Sometimes I read someone’s the book is awesome. The level of writing is so high. And then the public ignores it in droves. Go figure.
I almost snorted my coffee – Thank you for taking a perfectly crappy day and making me laugh laugh laugh
The last one *lol* *facepalm* Wow, they are clueless aren’t they?….
So fabulous! I especially love the hating on other authors. What is up with that? Love your response to that of “You are dead to me.”
The last one also really made me laugh. Ha!!!!!! So awesome!
The coup de grace…priceless.
The last one. I laughed sooo loud I think my cats are traumatized for at least one of their lives.
Ha ha, yeah, my cat is shooting me his “why you making such funny noises? Stupid human. *rips off some more shamrock heads*”
This was priceless. They’re almost like those Nigerian Prince email scams.
oh the last one….
ROTFLMAO, but at the same time I find it a sad statement that people don’t take pride in their work. How can someone send something that they can’t even take the time to spell a name correctly or proof read?
Thanks for the laugh, I needed it:-) I hope I spelled everything correctly…
Wow. These people have some major cajones to even think that you would respond to these requests when presented in such a classless manner.
This actually had me braying in laughter at my screen: “I am friends with Author X. You are dead to me.”
We should all feel very secure in our jobs now. Apparently slow & lazy people are employed to harass authors for endorsement quotes. If I happen to loose my job, I can always be better at this than these people.
It’s just even funnier because it comes from real life.
As an aside, one of the reasons I picked up “Magic Bites” was because of the blurb by Patricia Briggs. And now I’m hooked. =)
Me too, Magic Bites was the first urban fantasy I picked up after Mercy Thomas that I actually liked enough to finish and now Kate Daniels has dethroned Mercy Thomas as my favorite series!
Ditto
so in agreement!
“You won’t find any magic swords or oversexed shapeshifters…” THAT was priceless! «Я плакал!»
As a reader, I don’t need a blurb necessarily. I have to thank you for blogging about Loretta Chase. I am currently working my way through her books and am really enjoying them.
“You won’t find any magic swords or oversexed shapeshifters…”
Soooo…why would i want to read that book? Alpha male shifters are like chocolate, cant get enough when they are written well!
I just want know one thing…what’s wrong with magic swords and oversexed shapeshifters, LLONA? Or is it Jennifer?
Oh my days, I laugh so loud my colleagues in the office stared at me.
Cannot believe the schoolboy errors they make…I lie, actually I can.
It is odd, the whole blurb thing, because as a reader and reviewer I will actually put down a book blurbed by an author I do not like…and will rather pick up a completely unblurbed one.
I’m sorry that you have to put up with this crap, but thank you for a wonderful laugh. When you do take the time to blurb a book, I listen because I know it means something.
You made my morning, those were so funny.
Thank you for sharing, those were great!
Thanks for this much-needed laugh; hard to believe people can be so oblivious but you’ve got documentation!
Off-topic, I saw this http://ruhlman.com/2011/08/how-to-prepare-a-crab-boil/ today and thought of Kate’s first meal with Julie ~ another priceless moment in their “preteen w/ crazy aunt” bonding process!
That made my day jennifer. Or Llona. Or chloe.
LOL! But seriously, doesn’t anybody proofread anymore??:-) PS. This really made my day!
Funny! I loved the “You are dead to me”. I see a lot of others feel the same as me. I don’t read any of the blurbs. I am similar to others above, I disagree with some of the blurbs. The blurbs don’t sway me to buy a book at all. Or read a book.
Priceless! Thanks for sharing!
This was so funny! I especially enjoyed the last one! LMAO
I like reading blurbs, the best ever were on a couple of Stephanie Bond books, one by her Mother and another by her Husband! They were quite funny!
So funny!! Do they actually pay people to be this dense? You would think they would find out about the person they are asking before sending such a request… I am in sales and that just irks me. (Although I did laugh a lot when reading this.)
Well there is just no end to stupid. We have a small business and are endlessly being hit up to donate and support our local ___________. We agree and typically do; however, when a mother from the high school called and told us she was going to be picking up our donation, she needed to get directions on how to find us. Town is one mile long. We are on Main St.
Didn’t realize how much it happens on your end too. Slightly reassuring to know it is universal.
Wow. The balls it took to write some of that. You really should know WHO you’re talking to before you start asking them for favors.
late commenting on this but yaknow.. vacation! This made me laugh, especially the last one
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yeah, just leave everything you are doing and read the book before deadline!
I am not in book business but sounds like many requests I get
I use “You’re dead to me” all the time. It made me laugh to see someone else use it too!