Evening,
Every night had to end eventually. The sun always rose. Always went down too, a little while later. Barring any disaster-movie-worthy cataclysm, the Earth would keep right on spinning. With that in mind, I knew it was only a matter of time until another force of nature bore down on me.
My mother.
She didn’t do it during the wedding, an act that permitted my sister to get married in peace. She went the entire ceremony without comment, she threw birdseed, took photos, and rode in the car to the reception hall without a single mention of it, jabbering happily as we followed the couple’s limousine.
Technically, there is nothing wrong with this. This will be more a discussion than a crit.
Let’s talk a little bit about content.
There a bit of conflicting imagery going on here:
Every night had to end eventually. The sun always rose. – Reassuring image. It can’t rain all the time.
Always went down too, a little while later. – Image implies danger – all good things come to an end.
Barring any disaster-movie-worthy cataclysm, the Earth would keep right on spinning.- Reassuring image.
With that in mind, I knew it was only a matter of time until another force of nature bore down on me. – Image implies inevitable danger.
There is too much back and forth going on. It might help if we pick a single message to create mood. Since it seems that mother is more of tornado-type occurrence, rather than a gentle spring rain, I’d suggest toning down the positives and reinforcing the Good Thing Come To an End theme. For example – and this is just me messing around, not an actual revision suggestion:
Every summer had to end eventually. The sun always rose, but always went down too, a little while later. The Earth kept right on spinning, bringing with it typhoons, tornadoes, and hurricanes. With that in mind, I knew it was only a matter of time until a disaster-movie-worthy cataclysm bore down on me.
My mother.
She didn’t do it during the wedding, an act that permitted my sister to get married in peace. – What is it? I’m guessing it refers to her mother’s assault upon her person. Since the mother is actually not acting, perhaps we could drop “the act that” out of the sentence.
She didn’t do it during the wedding, permitting my sister to get married in peace.
That’s it. It was technically very sound. Just needs a bit of content adjustment.
