Kid 2 to Del, the Doberman Hellbeast: Are you eyeballing me, tough guy? Do you want me to take an interest in you?
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Watching DEAD SNOW, a Norwegian horror film about medical students attacked by a group of Nazi WWII zombies.
Me: Will you protect me from Nazi zombies?
Gordon: I don’t know. I might just have to throw you to the zombies.
Me: Really?
Gordon: Yep. ‘Here look, she has a giant brain! And she’s Russian!’ Oh they’ll love you.
###
Kid 1, riding in the back of the car with Luka, who drools and loves her to death. Kid 1 hates drool and has recently been accused of not reading enough to enrich her vocabulary: Luka! Go sit over there! Get away from me! Don’t you do it! Don’t you wipe your drool on my book bag! Luka!! You revolting, disgusting, sickening, stinking, foul dog! These are brand-new stockings!
###
Me: Maybe we shouldn’t wreck the pool.
Gordon: What’s your problem with the pool?
Me: It will cost $1,300 to wreck it.
Gordon: Damn it, devil woman, you get everything, the new carpet, the new paint, I get the @#$% pool wrecked.
Jennifer, the Realtor: Okay, I am going to go now…
###
Me, stumbling out into the living room at a little before six am: I got it.
Gordon, pouring us two cups of coffee: Mmm?
Me: She whispers the locks open.
Gordon, considering: Yes, that will work.
